being real

For weeks, I've been thinking about what I would write about in my first blog post, and I have to tell you - there is so much I want to "jot" down and I've been sitting here for a while, wondering, "Where do I start?". There are so many wonderful moments and ideas, and things that we do that I think, "This will definitely be in the blog!" but then I rarely get a chance just to - sit.  And honestly I've been pretty hard on myself. I write in my journal every couple of months when something major happens, but other than that, nada. So this is my attempt to really just sit and write and share my heart.



I am SO sorry that this first post is not all flowery and fun. Its totally not what I expected it would be. Today was a pretty hard day for me. I guess you could call it lack of sleep (one gets up to nurse sometimes once or twice and one wants to climb into bed a few times a night) paired with trying to roll with the punches of life and feeling really beat down. I am completely committed to Jesus and I follow him and love Him with all my heart. But today, my faith was definitely being tested. God is shaping me into the woman he wants me to be, but being shaped doesn't always feel good, ya know?? :) I thought, is this worth it?? Trusting in You? Have You forgotten about us? This is all so hard to say and confess. But this is real and God knows me through and through. And I know it was in a moment.. well more than a "moment", how about two hours of weakness when I really had to sit down and talk to my Dad and vent to Him.  I think it is so important to just be real with God in my relationship, and man, was I more real than I ever wanted to be. More than I ever expected. The old me was "shining" through, but he is my Father and loves me.. even more than I love my own children. Just like I love them no matter what, even when they don't understand and have tantrums. Yes, that was me today. This life is hard. There are so many blessings, and in my "moment" of weakness I let myself forget about the good, and just felt like I couldn't take it anymore. The constant rat race. Going to sleep and waking up exhausted and worn. Wanting to shut out from everything on a day like this where everything comes at you at once. Making one sacrifice after another and feeling like... does anyone see me or notice? 


I have two B-U-TI-FUL boys - Remington is 2 and Peyton is 4 months old and is also tied to me in the bonds of the milk wagon. I would not have it any other way. Ahaha. I LOVE being a mommy and right now they need me more than ever. Being a mom was what I was born to do. Its my calling. I own my own daycare as well and its so fulfilling - getting to be apart of so many special people's lives while being so involved with my children and stay home with them and raising them. But any new mom or mom of young ones knows exactly what I'm talking about. I love my family with ALL that I am, but seriously. I NEED TO GET OUT sometimes. And right now, we don't have a working car so really I'm stuck in the house all week and my few outings are church and the grocery store! One day I was with my mother in "love" (how cute is that?) and we were talking about gettin some coffee. I jumped up and said, "I'll go, I'll go!!" Peyton was fed and napping so it was perfect. I couldn't believe how excited I was to go get in the car, (by myself!) with out worrying about car seats or gathering up the babes. I was gone in a flash and I felt so rebellious! 


I love and appreciate my husband and I know he needs his time away as well. He works so hard to provide for his family and we've faced so many uphill battles. I know he is worn down too. His friends have started playing basket ball twice a week and James really enjoys it when he gets to go. I think its awesome that he's found something that he likes to do and can just GO and do it just for him. But that jealousy comes up in me and I think, "must be nice that he can go and doesn't need to take the kids!" and then I also think, "He needs this." So I am at odds within myself. I never want to be a controlling wife or person but you know, women have this tendency! But sometimes I tell him, you know, today has been really tough and I need your help. Can you please stay home? He always stays when I ask him and I'm so thankful for that. I'm so glad we have also made some amazing friends with a few "couples" who have young children who understand completely what we are going through - the balancing act, responsibilities and the pressures of life and providing for your family.


Well, I should get to bed... Peyton will be up in a few hours to eat! Please understand that I don't mean to whine and complain, but you know... I think people need to be real and honest. I know tomorrow, I will wake up and God will give me strength and joy. It will be a new day, I can't wait to wake up to my hubby and babies' smiling faces. Goodnight :)

Let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting Him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ's blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water. Hebrews 10:22